it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
