You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
