I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
