Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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