new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
