Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
