The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
