and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i out mim tonsoeep
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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