I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I smell stomach acid.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
