i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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