What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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