I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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