never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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