All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
