When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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