Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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