Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
