Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
