Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
