i permit you to call me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Acid is not a monday night drug
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
