i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
