Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
