grandma shit on top of the toilet
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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