the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
