i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
