Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
