I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
