i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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