he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
