i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
