my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
