He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
