Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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