Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
