Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
