You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
