3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
