just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
