i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
