I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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