Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
