My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
either way he was missing a nipple.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
