So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
