i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
