I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
