he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The beer is more important than you right now.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
