Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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