I have demons in me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
we should paint friendship bongs
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
