we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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