Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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